In Loving Memory.

[Soule]

In Loving Memory

Written By: XCIII



Woke up with my church clothes aside,
wife paints her face with a dose of life.
Smiling in the mirror, it's a stare so sick,
she purposely smears lipstick to show it.
Shutting my eyes, I pretend to love her,
for my children and the others.
Watching her stand, "walk to the closet,"
within her hand, hangs a dress so gothic.
I about lost it, couldn't control my action,
lifted a fist and took a stroll with passion.
I missed and hit the wall with full force,
couldn't see a dent or even a dull morph.
A falcon punch with no delivery?
This cunt should be on the floor shivering!
She doesn't even flinch, so I take a seat,
I gaze at my fist which begins to bleed.

"Lord, please forgive these decisions,
I was just a kid with greed in precision."

The ride to his memorial was a quiet course,
lives split down the tutorial of a silent force.
She thought of divorce, not for what's right,
we'll rot with the source of one moral night.
BECAUSE...
For the next couple of hours, we're a family,
without the trouble powered in loving memory.

Another drunk father,
another son slaughtered.

[Soule]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ks-386047.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ft-386350.html

[Bstill]

This was a very nice piece fam the wording choice as chosen wisely you had a really nice imagery going for you here fam you put together a simple rhyme scheme that hit really hard packed full of emotion and simplistic wording but got the point across clearly here. theres is one thing imma have to pick at thought if u check the 3rd and fourth line its kinda forcing two words to click and rhyme that don't really fit fam other then that this was a flawless piece of work i truely enjoyed the read keep droppin fiya

[Soule]

Thanks mate.

[....Gone.]

Yeah, this was dope. I like the story, about the drunk father and his anger cause he killed his son. It flowed very nicely. You used alot of words that fit the peice, and give it a certain feel. I loved the 2 ending lines. I thought that was dope. My problem is it's very short. Also, I see where you're experimenting with 2 syllables rhymes, nice.

"Smiling in the mirror, it's a stare so sick,
she purposely smears lipstick to show it"

Nice use of multies, but it was forced. That was the only part of the flow I didn't like too much. Other than that, nice peice.

[Soule]

thanks for the feedback. Really appreciate it man.

[....Gone.]

Lmao, my bad.

[Alphaeus]

Very nice brother Jon,
and a nice title 'In Loving Memory'...like the song.
The story was great and you told it with emotion, but it wasn't over the top.
Your word choice was great for the style and tone of the piece, and you got in some decent vocab also. I liked the two seprate lines in the middle and the message behind them, really added some empathy to your writing.
The last verse and end quote was great to finish with, really great stuff.

This name change to XCIII is really bringing out some dope writing, worth a nom I think.

[Soule]

Thanks mate.

[Soule]

feed...

[XxDreamShattererxX]

crack is all i can say and hell of a story

[Heychoo.]

ok faggot..

this was a better read than what you usually put up.. you actually have good progression now.. it flows better.. but the only way you'll really get better is through constructive criticism, which i've given you before..

the story became monotone is the speaker's voice.. it almost dragged.. you tried to throw cliffhangers in there, but they were way too short.. try to lengthen it while not dragging out.. maybe more detail? foreshadowing to true meaning? also, don't ever use falcon punch in an open mic again lmao

decent read though to be honest.. you've gotten better.. rtf

[country]

yeah this was ok

wasnty the best tho
keep spittin it only gets bettere

[Nahlidge]

Hmmm. I liked the idea you were goin` for. Just the execution wasn`t all that. Some weird parts here and there that was throwin` the enjoyment off for me. Like the way you chose to describe things weren`t workin` to the full effect that could`ve been done. If you get what I mean. Keep writin`.

[Soule]

Rise.