Like Me

[whitesmoke96]

If you were..................more like me
ya'd drink...................more iced tea
ya'd think.........................all life be
is a bunch of fuckin' tar on our white teeth!
awh................the cost of ballin' is pricey
..............gotta start on the right feet, foot
good-goddamn (I'm gonna drop it),
shit, this is a hot pen!
it's literally melting, delving into my palms man!
"did it hurt? is it burnt?" well, my skin isn't darkened..
is it a curse, is it a thirst that swells my skills to the sharpness
of ridiculous ridicules? Psh still it fools the smartest..
I spit it full of Spiritual Lyrical Artist.....that's
Criminal, Original. Fuck bitches I pull all tens!
I wanna spit a verse but the syllables have halted..
pause then.............................continue
if this is raw then this is called my contribute.
I really hope it clears the globe and solves dispute
I don't wonna hold tha corna and prostitute!
I wanna know the knowins that constitute
the rap game that hasn't changed, (just convoluted)
get prosecuted, learn that y'all got deluded.

..I'm an intuit so I'm into it...
I love losin', why you think I sided with the humans?


http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...5-Monkey-Magic

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...5716-Waterhole

[PatricBernier]

That sounded legit man ,to be critically honest, some parts were a tiny bit off flow, but thats based on the picture I was painting with your lyrics and syllables and such. It reminded me a Logic song or verse ,It was cool and you displayed what you were trying too.
But yeah hard rhymes, keep dropping and check me out please and thank you
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...91#post8524791

[whitesmoke96]

thanks man, I hadn't even heard of him. cool being compared to someone who made it. I'll return some feed yo

[Narrator]

Lol this was pretty funny. for what it's worth I found it entertaining. It was pretty simple and not really headed anywhere but this is where we all start out. How long have you been writing bro? You have potential, or at least a good grasp on rhyming. What I would work on if I were you is your content, you need to pick a direction or topic and go from there. A good thing to do is look at quotes or saying, or even go to deviantart and find a picture that inspires you and just think of a unique twist. Like I said, this was entertaining but hard to feed because it was just basically a flex exercise. Ill peep more from you though. Peace


If you have a chance to check out one of my pieces I have two in the OM to choose from, thanks in advance

[OG Maestro]

Lmfaoooooo omg.

"..I'm an intuit so I'm into it...
I love losin', why you think I sided with the humans?"

You got some comical power in there son. I like how you did this laid back verse. Narrator basically said everything I wanted to say. I've actually seen your work before, as you remember me Whitesmoke. And I must say, your rhyming in the beginning is getting better. I seen some multi-syllabic action developing. It's looking good. I can't wait to see if you step back into SS or if you drop more OMs. Thanks for posting and reminding us of the new talent that we have here on RB.

Btw, if you have time @whitesmoke96 could you feed this piece for me?

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...106-Letting-Go

[whitesmoke96]

I'm glad I got the responses I was aiming for; recently I've been focusing more on trying to make what I write more appealing to the ears b/c eventually I want to record. But now I'll take your advice @Narrator , I'll try actually going somewhere with a piece. Oh and thanks for the example, sounds like a handy strategy. @ProfFrost relieved somebody who has read my previous writing commented. candy to my ears hearing I've improved lol but, even if I have, I know there are areas I can still better. I can handle constructive criticism, negative and positive :P I will try to return feed but I'm not sure how much light I'll be able to shine